Welcome to the part 3 of this 12 part series that explores my journey from warfighter to mental health professional. This week I will explore Identity formation and the emotional control required in the warrior culture.
Off We Go, Into the Wild Blue Yonder
When you are homeless and unemployed waiting to ship off to basic training is a bit of a problem. I had spent about a month waiting to head out to Army basic training as soon as a tank mechanic job opened up, which seemed to never come along. This delay made me a pretty easy target for the Air Force recruiter that offered me a signing bonus and the chance to leave the next day for the military entrance processing center. I took the money and the job and poof, just like that I was on a new path.
I went off to basic training soon after passing all my entrance testing. The standard tests and physical health exams everyone gets on the way to training. I even had a job reserved as an avionics technician. I had no idea at the time what that really meant, I just knew it meant being around aircraft.
I left for basic training on November 24th 1998. I flew out of Sacramento International Airport on a SouthWest Airlines flight direct to San Antonio Texas. It was one of the few times in my life that I had been on an airplane. I had a pack of cigarettes and long dark purple hair… and not much else.
Pick ‘em Up, Put ‘em Down
Every branch of the service of the military in the US has some variation, but they all follow the same core principles. Take young civilian men and women apart, then put them back together piece by piece into the basic foundational structure of members of the profession of arms. The first formal step on the warriors path.
At the time, Air Force basic training was eight weeks long. From the first night you arrived, Training Instructors (TI’s) pushed you through the process. I have a vivid memory of my flights TI relentlessly demanding that everyone synchronized putting their bag down at the exact same time before he would even consider us worthy of starting training. He rhythmically shouted “pick ‘em up, put ‘em down” at us for what seemed like an eternity only stopping to single us out one by one to give us each a good dressing down and let us know who was in charge.
There were some hidden rules that never got directly defined, but we learned them pretty fast by observing what seemed like manic behavior from a deranged and angry man.
- Don’t move unless you are told
- Only do what you are told
- When you are told to do something do it immediately
- Do not speak
- Do not complain, whimper, or cry
- Do not make direct eye contact
- If you are scared, don’t show it
- If you are angry, don’t show it
- If you think something is funny, don’t show it
- If the way your being treated upsets you, don’t show it
Once we showed a basic understanding of what we would later begin to describe as military bearing we started in with the rest of our training.
Emotional Control
From my observations there are two fundamental ways you can control emotions. You can either regulate them in the moment, or you can suppress them and deal with them later. Here is the perceived reality of the warrior’s path–In a life or death situation, like combat, you will not have time to identify and process emotions so you have to learn to suppress them in order to be as effective as possible for as long as possible.
Being good at suppressing emotional responses under extreme pressure is a valuable and praise worthy characteristic of members of the profession of arms. The stoic persona of someone who is unflinchingly taking action in the face of dire life or death circumstances is an idealistic standard many warriors seek to attain.
The ability to suppress emotions is rewarded, validated as the standard, and reinforced with rewards and esteem from fellow warfighting professionals.
It becomes a cornerstone of the warrior identity. One that has key survival advantages in the high stakes world of military service but can also be the cause of some significant challenges.
The Hidden Cost
Emotions will be felt and you will have to deal with them. While the immediate benefits of emotional suppression for the warfighter can lead to enhanced combat effectiveness, the unregulated or unprocessed emotions can have some long term cascading consequences.
Here are some likely challenges faced by bottling up unregulated emotions.
- Social isolation
- Decreased self-awareness
- Burnout
- Damage to interpersonal relationships
- Increased risk of disordered depression and anxiety
- Challenges connecting with anything other than “the mission”
- Increased risk of substance use disorders
- Post service transition challenges
For me this isn’t just a list of potential outcomes. They are my lived experiences. They are the harsh reality of over 20 years on the warriors path without the tool set or environmental conditions required to effectively wrestle with and process the suppressed fear, anger, frustration, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, excitement, and stress of the warriors path.
If only…
On the other side of my warrior’s journey I can’t help but think “if only I knew then what I know now…” That is one of the reasons why I am struggling through this exercise of exploring my own emergence from the shadows. I want to take the chance to try and help others learn the tools and techniques that helped me recover and quiet frankly, saved my life.
So, in the face of the need as a warrior fighter to suppress emotions, there is a balancing need to set aside the space to regulate and process them. THIS IS A MUST DO TASK!
Here are some tips for getting started.
- Recognize that suppression of emotions is a skillset that is helpful to a point and then can cause you harm
- Awareness of emotions, and taking the time to process and regulate them is also a skill set that can coexist with the ability to suppress emotions in a critical moment.
- Combining these two skill sets is the sign of a complete warrior.
Reflection Exercise
If you want to explore this topic on your own, give this writing assignment a try. Take 2-5 minutes to sprint write using the following prompts.
- What does it look like for you to suppress emotions, which emotions do you suppress, why?
- How has emotional control and suppression helped you? How has it gotten in your way?
- What would it look like if you mastered both Emotional Suppression and Emotional regulation? Regulation?
Thank you for reading
Emerging from Shadow is a series I am writing to help me understand my personal journey from the world of Military Counterintelligence, Counter-Terrormism and Law Enforcement to my new life as a therapist, coach, and teacher. You can read more of the story along with my other writings on my blog at www.tacticstotalwellness.com/blog
You can also sign up for my weekly newsletter to get a simple email on Sunday with links to my explorations and reflections over the past week. https://tacticstotalwellness.com/news-letter/
