Don’t confuse acting under the raw influence of your emotional compulsions with being the same thing as making a wise choice.
I think I see this most in people (and in myself) when they start to live their lives like “work-acholoics,” but I’m sure it manifests in other ways as well. The work-aholic is constantly engaged in and driving themselves through task after task, stepping up and into more and more work. They are likely pushed by fear of failure or the allure of success. They want their efforts to be the cure for their anxiety and their prophylactic for depression.
Often what they get is burn-out.
In these situations the first thing that typically is given up is sleep, then exercise. After that nutrition becomes an afterthought as we start to rely on caffeine and sugar to get us through the day. Eventually, the stress and pressure builds up to the point where we start to lash out at our colleagues, friends, and family and either they leave or we pull away resulting in social isolation. With all this going on, who would have the time or energy to get outside in nature or enjoy a hobby. Our lives truly become a mess and maybe we turn to drugs or alcohol to find some peace or relief. And the worst part… we try to solve the problem by working harder.
Insane right.
The trick here is to recognize the emotional que that is driving our behaviors and then to explore it. We aren’t trying to bury or repress the emotion that would just add fuel to the fire.
One of my favorite tools for this is to “be the toddler.” Having raised a few kids myself, this exercise really resonates with my lived experience. Toddlers are some of the world’s best interrogators because they relentlessly pursue the answer to one simple question. “Why?” In organizational development methodologies this is also called asking the “five whys.” It’s pretty simple.
Here’s how it works.
When something activates you stop to think about, and maybe write down, what your beliefs about the situation are. Your beliefs are likely made up of various thoughts and feelings, and that is what we are going to work with. Now take one of those thoughts or feelings and ask “why do I think that?” or “why do I feel this way?” And then… like the relentless toddler interrogating their parents about why apples are red, or why nothing rhymes with orange… keep going until you get to an honest “I don’t know.” Once you are in the “I don’t know zone” your task is to go find out.
Often what emerges from this exercise is either a better understanding of the emotional compulsion that enables us to make a more helpful decision or we can seek help through research or discourse with a friend, mentor, or counselor. If nothing else, it gives us a little space to separate our first thoughts and feelings from taking control of our immediate actions.
