Just because you have a temper does not mean you should have a tantrum.
Frustration and anger are some seriously powerful emotions, and they can be useful for us… why else would we have them?
Problems start to come up when we channel frustration and anger into behaviors that dig us into a hole, slam us into a wall, or mutilate our possibilities.
It is likely that we have all had an experience that looks something like this.
Someone says something or does something that pushes against what we want or expect. We feel our pulse quicken. Maybe the blood rushes to our face as we scowl menacingly. Our fist clench… and then we start thinking aggressive thoughts… maybe even mean, nasty, thoughts. Those thoughts turn into wicked barbs that we let loose verbally to push back against the offense. We wail at the offending person and the world for the wrong that was just forced on us. Maybe they wail back at us… maybe they don’t, maybe they just walk away. You might feel vindicated, but did any problems get solved? Probably not. Actually, it’s very likely that this tantrum just spun up a whole new set of problems.
In my life, this is most likely to occur in traffic. And, like the rest of us, it has snuck up on me in much more critical situations with important people that I love and care deeply about.
Over the years I have thankfully gotten better at channeling frustration and anger into more useful outlets. Time and exposure to upsetting things plays a role in learning to skillfully engage and there are also some real practical things we can do to disrupt the transfer of these powerful emotions into harmful behaviors.
The first thing we need to do is develop a sensitivity and awareness to our emotional responses. Once we have the capability to detect oncoming anger and frustration we can start to use other actions to head it off from powering up disruptive behaviors.
The parasympathetic sigh is my favorite immediate action drill to down regulate the anger response. Anger activates our sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) and the parasympathetic sigh helps activate the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest). This little breathing technique can give us some space to think more deliberately about the appropriate response actions. If it doesn’t work the first time, try it again… it’s like novocaine, give it enough time and it will work.
Once you have space you can make a better choice about what to do. A more helpful action might be taking the time to approach the anger and explore it. I like to do this through writing. Sometimes I just ask why questions until I get it all out. Why am I mad… why did that make me mad… Why do I want to scream… why do I want to fight… you get the point, explore the feeling. Other times I like to use the best critical thinking questions ever invented. “Who, What, Where, When, Why, and How.”
I have found that this exploration often reveals simple perspective shifts that can help me reframe the situation and take more helpful and beneficial actions.
